and stood before and stalked me in lifts, we struck up a chord first, and a chat later still

there were things beyond me, to comprehend, the reasons for her haunting and her sublime fixations

there were things beyond me, her chastisement, her somber vexations

and so the time came to pass, she haunted me still, with her worries and with her chores,

and slowly i began to love her, for after all she was a woman, with her troubles and her foes

and her demons would aunt her every way, and she’d go haunting some new place everytime,

detached attachement, periodic fatal love, like lunar cycles, pases changed time to time

some deceit i thought, i had been inflicted upon, i hated the temptress for her doing.

she was just a mirage of my inner reflections, memories like water spewing.

and so like whirlwind she left me and my head, disorientation loomed and goodness deserted

apparition had faded, reality stood still, i was alone, alive and eavy headed

ten months i wasted, to conjur a demon, or a vixen, or a friend,

ran naked in my head, the streets, i once so proudly strode

was it an imagery, was this for real, i couldnt tell any more,

so i picked myself from the ground, and found a way out of this labyrinth

crazed and drugged, abused and hagard, i kept moving on and on,

only to find her staring at me, tonight, through somebody else’s window.

its 3 a.m. here right now, my angels and my demons have all gone home,

but i still find myself staring at the imagery, that i hoped wouldnt ever last

go away ghost girl, i love you way to much, to have you back in my head

you took my mind on a sunny day, and filled my soul with clouds.

go away, dont aunt me no more

Its funny you only analyze things when shit befalls you, you wouldn’t ordinarily give a damn about it.

My random days of adolescence have left me as a random person, I live in chaos and randomness, to the extent that nothing at this point is organized or planned in my life, right from my hairstyle to my wardrobe to the way I even put my thoughts across, my thoughts need to be structured and I need to be more observant, I have the memory of a fish, or rather I have had the memory of a fish uptil now, but I hope to change it now, tO remember things that I see, hear, speak and see, only need to remember these 4 simple things I don’t see any problem in doing that. I gueSs a lot of things in life would become simpler for me if I were to start following these little steps towards being more focused towards myself.

Today is the day I quit smoking.

Hope this is for lifetime

Tread carefully upon the murky stream of thoughts in my head, for which way will the stream lead me and in which form it will it consume me, I shall never know.

For two years wallowing in self pity! 2 goddamn years,!! Feeling my self get weaker with every passing day. Internally, suffering silently for somethings that are not even worth suffering for and yet pretending to look happy, wearing a stupid fake smile, without ever realising that its fake!

I think I’m becoming a whiner, I quite enjoy wallowing in self pity, living like a degenerate, guising it as a quest for finding myself! I am very very annoyed right now, cuz I am right here!! And I have been here with myself all this while, and like an idiot I have been trying to discover myself! And I today I think I’ve discovered myself, I’ve discovered that I don’t have a 12 inch penis sticking outta my head!! I’ve also discovered, how much jazz I like to give to myself, I’ve also discovered that I don’t need to discover myself! All my anxieties are a trick, sorta like I’m too lazy to do anything worthwhile, and I love to think of myself as a victim. How can I ever be so self damaging, I have been reckless with myself, I have deceived myself into thinking and acting like an idiot, I’ve been an idiot, I’ve been a tosser, I’ve been a wanker,
A fortiori I have been an imbecile self loathing lill fuck!!

And I am still doing it!
Well. I’m glad I’m aware of it and now my mood’s kinda changing like the london weather,

I could write myself a story, since I love to write so much, take an idea and make love to it, I seem to be pretty good at that. Heh!

“You must try to become the person you want to spend the rest of your life with”

I wanted a girl like charu, to have to spend my life with.

Charu was a smart girl, she single handedly settled her parents into pune despite a broken family that she was struggling to stabilize. She was sorted in her head, knew how to save money, was excellent at managing money and things, had a very active disposition, was quick in thinking, alert and fast, she had a wonderful alert mind and was extremely pretty and presentable, she could converse well, was a go getter and a fighter but most of all like all of us was a victim of circumstances.

On the downside, she was stubborn, to an extent very proud of what she had achieved all by herself, envious of the life some of the women her age led, and miserable of the fact that she led a very unhappy childhood, was often misunderstood because of her looks and always wanted to be in control of things, she loved me dearly perhaps with greater intensity than I loved her then, I was always aware of that and even let it be known to him of her love for me being stronger than mine for her.

Life is full of ironies, within a month of me telling her that, we broke up! Was it this statement that got misconstrued at her end as to be meaning that I didn’t love her enough, or whatever she may have thought in her own right and belief. The fact is again, words posed as potent instrument for our breakup, how people construe words and things is amazing, when even some of your closest of kins, friends and lovers, interpret things differently from what you mean them as. Maybe the way words are put also matters, but all in all, can we personally be held accountable for things said that were misconstrued by somebody else, god only knows I meant what is said to be as a compliment, my remark, reflected the amount of faith I had imposed on her, meaning to never let go and appreciative of her love for me, was it her ego that came into play or the feeling of discontent. I would never know and nor should I ideally bother at figuring out at this point, the damage is done, when something truly beautiful happens in our lives, its end is always tragic, such is the nature of things every blossoming flowers decays and rots unto the dry earth, that is its nature I guess.

So why all this now, how did she view me as, the only two things about me that she ever told me, first: that I was perfect the way I was, second: that the reason she went out with me was because my heart was pure!!

How could she even tell that my heart was pure? And if she saw me as perfect the way I was then she wouldn’t have left me, knowing that I wasn’t ready, I was younger, brash, not earning, still in college, smoking, drinking, having a fairly decent number of female friends and admirers.

Why did I seem perfect to her then? And then all of a sudden to imperfect to be wanting to go out with later?

So how should I try to become the person i want to spend the rest of my life with?

When all it takes is a statement misconstrued for things to fall apart!

I guess how she wanted me to be was to be a non smoker, more responsible, she was insecure about me, she would always say that for me, she was just an option. She felt threatened by my active social scene, of the numerous female friends that I had. In the traditional conservative indian sense it is still not appreciated of committed or married persons to mingle with those from the opposite sex, I guess such conservative approach is primarily to avoid any unmitigated accidents arising out of such interactions, I see the logic behind it and understand its working, but I guess charu had less than ordinary faith in my understanding of things, maybe this was backed by my carefree behaviour when it came to managing money, I still find myself to be very reckless with managing money or things in general, she called me a “nawaab”, she called me that lovingly, but I guess this is what she must have viewed me as, though her love for me was to strong at that moment to play the nawaab card against me but I guess that’s how she saw me as eventually, and that’s what again turned out to be one of the many reasons of our breakup, why did she call me a nawaab? Because she found me less hardworking than her? Was it because she had a sense of pride in her for having done what she did.
Anyway being a distinct individual, I guess she is entitled to her own set of beliefs and opinions and her pace of evolution. I hope she is happy now, I honestly miss seeing her and talking to her, miss the fights, the drunk moments, calling her my lill kitten, singing songs to her, she evolved into a more practical and ruthless person, the day I went to her house several months after our breakup, I saw this completely different side to her, she lied to me about getting married in the next three months, she lied about a lot of things, well she is only just human, does most of the things that we as human beings would do, I don’t know why still I have this perfect ideal picture of her painted in my head that is so hard to get rid of, this is the nature of my attachment I guess, we get so blinded by it, refuse to see the faults in others, just as she refused to see faults in me whilst we were dating. Attachment blinds you. “Love is careless in its choosing”, “love descends on those defenceless”. Ha!! I know but the aftermath, the pain is too excruciating! It takes time for it to go away, is it my constant fear of not being able to find someone as good as her, that is causing me this anxiety, my reluctance in being romantically involved with anybody else for the fear of having my heart ripped out again, but then isn’t that the nature of things, nature of people around, everyone has anxieties, everyone is living with a constant looming fear of having his/her heart broken, children, parents, lovers, musicians, businessmen, everybody is so insecure about himself/herself, its astonishing and yet we guise ourselves under this veil of superficial inner strength and arrogance, the most arrogant of all men I’ve seen are so bloody insecure about themselves, insecure about their posessions, children, spouses, etc.
Charu’s sister was so insecure about her job that she suffered a stroke! My dad is so worried about my sister’s wedding that he too often goes paranoid, even a hobo gets paranoid I guess every evening over food!
I often wonder if animals display such anxiety, why do some dogs bark so profusely, without any rhyme or reason? Are they insecure about themselves? Why do snakes and other predators eat up the offspring of their kind? Is that a form of anxiety too? To secure themselves for the future!, is this the reason why we invest money for a better future? Our insecurity in the present, the future is unforeseeable, yet all of us, each species tries to mitigate every risk that may arise tomorrow! Bees build their hives every spring and summer only to be able to survive through the winters, a bird builds its nest every summer only to take refuge in it during the winters, and post which to fly away to build one at another place, such is the nature of beings, insecurity is so deep rooted in us, the world of civilized men have come to call it responsibilities, the higher we climb up the sophistication ladder in todays world, the more anxious we get I guess, for us lawyers, we not only have our set of anxieties but also those of our clients, is this why most of the lawyers have breakdown of sorts by the time they turn 50 plus?

So my question now is, if all sentient beings including ants are insecure by their nature itself, how then am I to nbe the person that I want to spend my life with, I am insecure just as much my potential life partner or anybody else that I may be dealing with, so by that rationale we are all the same, but yet we choose to see things differently, focusing our inward insecurities on others for things going wrong in our lives, I have done it in the past, I do it still, and maybe ill keep doing it over and over, who knows! Just as charu here today is being the superficial cause for my inner insecurities that are rooted so deeply inside of me that I still fail to see them.

So now let’s address the hair problem, been at the back of my head since eons now, everybody around me notices it, the thinning of hair on my head!! My hair used to be my sense of pride, women found me attractive because of my mane, but now its gone, and so has my self esteem I think!! I think I have been giving it to much importance in my life, it figures in every waking dream that I have!!! Its insane !!!

I just realized my day begins with the thought of charu and ends with the thought of losing hair!! I mean wtf!!!! Seriously wtf!! So I guess shrinks are right about the self loathing pattern! The fucking pattern is so visible, I can see it right there. I just keep finding reasons of hating myself and being unsure about myself! Taking shit from people, letting them intimidate me most of the times.

Ok not to sound like a psychopath, most people do not intimate me, I can forge warm relationships with a lot of people, share cordial ties and be otherwise mostly pleasant, I think overtly I am extremely social and have a fairly sunny disposition , though from the inside, I tend be unsure of myself, undecided and wanting to please people most of the times to come across as likeable. In short I think I lack balls most of the times! Or I have come to lack balls most of the times lately, I am blunt with the wrong people and have been a patient listener of the wrong ones, sometimes I also feel that I let too much out before others than I otherwise should, and then I keep speculating on what would have I said earlier! Its the looping of the past incessantly that has become a problem for me! Its kinda stupid!

What attracts most people to me, I know people emulate me, I could see sankalp wearing the same shoes that I once used to wear, it cannot be a fucking co-incident, wanting to catch up with me, he’s still stuck up on the english proficiency bit. So the funny thing is that we love to think of ourselves having odors of sanctity coming out of us but then that aint the truth innit?? Sankalp again is a classic case, caught in a time bubble!! Fixed !! Fixed and stagnant in his thought process! It seems to me he is still unhappy about the two years he spent in haldwani! A point to prove that he is better than the rest in english!! I mean wtf! Do I need to prove to anyone in this world at all how eloquent I am at writing whatever the fuck I chose to write, maybe I do when I write it for a living! Just as a good lawyer is judged by the number of cases he wins! I guess!! I hate, disdain social parameters and yardsticks! Look how its killing sankalp without him even realising it, his sense of pride lies in “being better than the others” in conversing and writing in english rather than being good in it to his honest belief. So what is one’s honest belief? How do I know what is my honest belief? Will my honest belief again not be a function of someone else’s perception??

Maybe it still is as I write, and maybe the reality will dawn on me tomorrow when I read this or when I chose to sit and contemplate over it!

For now I am too tired, I’ve strolled around like horney donkey fuck in the mating season lookimg for some action yesterday, and today I feel like iver buttfucked bby a million donkeys in row. The pain. In my legs is sorta bad, disorients me. And I’m sleepy, write tom.

Gnite