canvas tent

Hey there woman
Why don’t you take a stand,
Oh my deliberations, advices and fancies
Now let’s not make amends

Let me say something witty to please
While you trample under your mean streak
So don’t make a stand, till you quite understand

Well the dilemmas, keep us on our toes
With no avant garde performances to shock us any more
Let’s sip on coffee and try and talk sense with each other

so let’s not go where, we been innumerable times
And hide from us what is already exposed
Say hello to ms. Irony and her constantly emoting face
We’ve met her over and over through the course of our lives.

So I see were most amused, and the colors could not have been more true
Amusement must be transparent of them all,
A. Glass of water to quench the thirst of all

Are we backtracking now, or have we really digressed, why don’t you head out looking for answers, why ill lay here and rest.

you must become the person you want to spend your life with – part 2

How do I know to become the person that I want to spend my life with? Isn’t life a journey and not a destination? How can I be the same person that I want to spend my life with for the rest of the times? When I am in a constant state of change.

Why do I keep such strong beliefs? Such strong notions about things? People? Ideas? Everything? Is there a reason? Where is zen? Where is my peace? Post charu, I have not found peace, every day I try embracing it, and every next day following it I deny it, I am in perpetual state of acceptance followed by a state of denial. Has she become the yardstick, the parameter to measure the degree of happiness, my rational mind tells me tht she is a ghost of the past, but my heart tells me otherwise!!! What a waste of all the meditation. Sheesh!!

What charu meant by when she meant I want to do stuff….. I just realized it 10 minutes ago, and then I lost it in coversation, and now I have forgotten what istruck me 10 minutes ago, does it really have to be that bad? Does it have to be her? Of all the people? Is afreen really a good option enough for me? Why can’t I see through these idiosyncracies whrn I am not drunk? Is this iN the most superficial sense being enlightened is all about? I always face these questions in my head? Have I attained enlightenment? No I have not because ojn the pretext of entering my problems here in my journal here, I every time defer the absolute truth by taking shelter under these notions. Qhat abt afreen? Am I vengeful is she basking in my attentiom? After a fashion yes? Where has it taken me? Nowhere? She is older, waSteful, self indulgent, and arrogant, and from all likelihood she has created a unoverse for herself, I have ruined my world, no friends, no acquaintances left in the name of the firm, regardless of what them businessmen might tell you, just leave, move on!

i pray

Don’t want a glowing orgasm at the price of dogged eloquence

Don’t want a deja vu misconstrued for a bad emotions

Is there a light divine? A soul so pure, to match my philosophical moods?

Don’t want the reaper, making a hidehout in my head

Don’t want the sunshine to ever go away

I pray, I pray every day lord I pray,

Want to see me in the mirror and not dorian gray,

Want to dance in the moonbeams, want to go astray,

The hipsters and the soul searchers, want them all to go away,

The apollonians in their suave suits, don’t want you to stay

Every day must be a reality, I pray and I pray

Solemness it might come to me sometime, I wish childhood be the death of me.

The then and the now, I pray may all be the same,

important decisions

I don’t really know what they say abou it, but I feel that the mark of a successful man is his ability to take well thought out informed decisions, its good to be back on here and writing, I am faced with a challenge right now, a question, an eternal question that from time to time stares back at us with an empty expression, without any answer, clue or direction.
I have spent a year here at this law firm, it has been a very rough journey, this last one year, dealing with horrible people for bosses, surviving a year by putting in insane long hours, fights, bitching, playing politics, public mudslinging and doing quality work. Is this the end of the road for me here? I have been meaning to apply to a bank as a lawyer for quite sometime now, and here I see an opening right ahead. Not to get excited as I did in case of deutsch but what is the nature of my job? Well what is it? My job has become the nature of my existence lately. I work, eat and sleep in office perpetually, it has been very difficult indeed ffor me, especially when there’s a part in me that wants to be a part of the rat race, in fact be in the lead, and another part that tortally abhors it. The dilemma is extremely difficult to solve. Here I have 2 horrible bosses obsessed with being at the top of their game, (well one isn’t as bad as the other as a person) but when it come to professional interaction, they’re both equally bad, then I barely ever get any leaves, working on holidays isn’t uncommon and the worst bit is the pay, the pay is as amazingly bad as it can possibly get! But “they” say that growth is faster in a law firm! You become a partner and then yoiu roll in money! Its amazing how this whole cliched thingy is about a lot of things, law firms are placed on a padestial for a good reason, that being that you get your arse whooped so bad in the begining that as you get more experienced in a law firm, the more indifferent and immune gyou tend to become with it. So while law firms epitomise fuckability of an employee on a grand scale wrt to everything, a bank job is a bit less demanding and ill hv my weekend of(cntd. Gn)

the 3 a.m. ghost girl

like a whirlwhind she came, dressed in pink, with golden cascading hair, some elven myth

and stood before and stalked me in lifts, we struck up a chord first, and a chat later still

there were things beyond me, to comprehend, the reasons for her haunting and her sublime fixations

there were things beyond me, her chastisement, her somber vexations

 

and so the time came to pass, she haunted me still, with her worries and with her chores,

and slowly i began to love her, for after all she was a woman, with her troubles and her foes

and her demons would aunt her every way, and she’d go haunting some new place everytime,

detached attachement, periodic fatal love, like lunar cycles, pases changed time to time

some deceit i thought, i had been inflicted upon, i hated the temptress for her doing.

she was just a mirage of my inner reflections, memories like water spewing.

and so like whirlwind she left me and my head, disorientation loomed and goodness deserted

apparition had faded, reality stood still, i was alone, alive and eavy headed

ten months i wasted, to conjur a demon, or a vixen, or a friend,

ran naked in my head, the streets, i once so proudly strode

was it an imagery, was this for real, i couldnt tell any more,

so i picked myself from the ground, and found a way out of this labyrinth

crazed and drugged, abused and hagard, i kept moving on and on,

only to find her staring at me, tonight, through somebody else’s window.

its 3 a.m. here right now, my angels and my demons have all gone home,

but i still find myself staring at the imagery, that i hoped wouldnt ever last

go away ghost girl, i love you way to much, to have you back in my head

you took my mind on a sunny day, and filled my soul with clouds.

go away, dont aunt me no more

 

 

in awe (as much i find myself resisting to be)

So today I went to aditya’s house, he is abt my age and is already settled with a house, I saw the house, the effort he has put in to build it is commendable, the way he manages his finances its quite commendable, what has he got that I don’t? Babu sir says he is focused, I don’t think that is the case, I think he is organised and planned as a person. Which is kinda crucial to a person, to be organise, something that I am not!! Aside from that, he has an excellent memory, a brilliant memory to be remembering things, something that I don’t have again, which is bad, I’ve always remembered trivial things, things of inconsequential significance, things about that people and things that I don’t know about, which makes me generally well aware of the things happening in the world, but I am absolutely unaware of the people around me as to their nature, demeanour, likes and likes, a charachter flaw in me, that passes of as being inconsiderate, obtuse, and being careless. But I care about people that I am fond of, or maybe I am confused about whether I care enouigh about people or am I a bit to self absorbed.

Its funny you only analyze things when shit befalls you, you wouldn’t ordinarily give a damn about it.

My random days of adolescence have left me as a random person, I live in chaos and randomness, to the extent that nothing at this point is organized or planned in my life, right from my hairstyle to my wardrobe to the way I even put my thoughts across, my thoughts need to be structured and I need to be more observant, I have the memory of a fish, or rather I have had the memory of a fish uptil now, but I hope to change it now, tO remember things that I see, hear, speak and see, only need to remember these 4 simple things I don’t see any problem in doing that. I gueSs a lot of things in life would become simpler for me if I were to start following these little steps towards being more focused towards myself.

a day like today

So two days ago I had made this promise to myself that I would quit smoking, there was a strange fear in me of dying, of cancer, of stuFf, and today I found myself smoking almost a pack again, why am I lying to myself, yesterday and today I felt so good, cuz of nt smoking and tomo morning I know ill wake up feeling mioserable with acidity and stuff, so much for promises to myself, let’s not smoke shall we, let’s be heroes just fr one more day. I think I’m a very strange case, lot of people find me talented and promising and I can’t live upto the promises I make with myself. Still not being true to myself. Still not there yet. No satori, no nirvana. Kick the butt or kick the bucket.

i quit

Its 2:45 am, technically its a new day, but its since I just gt back frm work ill still count this as today.

Today is the day I quit smoking.

Hope this is for lifetime

short note

Only I am responsible for my thoughts and for the actions and reactions arising out of such thoughts.

Tread carefully upon the murky stream of thoughts in my head, for which way will the stream lead me and in which form it will it consume me, I shall never know.