you must become the person you want to spend your life with – part 2

How do I know to become the person that I want to spend my life with? Isn’t life a journey and not a destination? How can I be the same person that I want to spend my life with for the rest of the times? When I am in a constant state of change.

Why do I keep such strong beliefs? Such strong notions about things? People? Ideas? Everything? Is there a reason? Where is zen? Where is my peace? Post charu, I have not found peace, every day I try embracing it, and every next day following it I deny it, I am in perpetual state of acceptance followed by a state of denial. Has she become the yardstick, the parameter to measure the degree of happiness, my rational mind tells me tht she is a ghost of the past, but my heart tells me otherwise!!! What a waste of all the meditation. Sheesh!!

What charu meant by when she meant I want to do stuff….. I just realized it 10 minutes ago, and then I lost it in coversation, and now I have forgotten what istruck me 10 minutes ago, does it really have to be that bad? Does it have to be her? Of all the people? Is afreen really a good option enough for me? Why can’t I see through these idiosyncracies whrn I am not drunk? Is this iN the most superficial sense being enlightened is all about? I always face these questions in my head? Have I attained enlightenment? No I have not because ojn the pretext of entering my problems here in my journal here, I every time defer the absolute truth by taking shelter under these notions. Qhat abt afreen? Am I vengeful is she basking in my attentiom? After a fashion yes? Where has it taken me? Nowhere? She is older, waSteful, self indulgent, and arrogant, and from all likelihood she has created a unoverse for herself, I have ruined my world, no friends, no acquaintances left in the name of the firm, regardless of what them businessmen might tell you, just leave, move on!

i pray

Don’t want a glowing orgasm at the price of dogged eloquence

Don’t want a deja vu misconstrued for a bad emotions

Is there a light divine? A soul so pure, to match my philosophical moods?

Don’t want the reaper, making a hidehout in my head

Don’t want the sunshine to ever go away

I pray, I pray every day lord I pray,

Want to see me in the mirror and not dorian gray,

Want to dance in the moonbeams, want to go astray,

The hipsters and the soul searchers, want them all to go away,

The apollonians in their suave suits, don’t want you to stay

Every day must be a reality, I pray and I pray

Solemness it might come to me sometime, I wish childhood be the death of me.

The then and the now, I pray may all be the same,